This Is How the Series Never Happened
by TheNewIdea
Summary: Meg was working at her new job at the ice cream store when two drifters walked in. What started with simple indecision on what ice cream to buy turned into a friendship that lasted a lifetime and a story of family, romance and choice that asks big questions in the most simplest of terms.
1. Prologue

Meg was walking through the mall; each step she took was one of confidence and certainty. She was wearing a cardigan that Lois had got her to help improve her image, from the looks of things it wasn't working, for no one really noticed Meg even when she looked nice. Meg didn't care, for she wasn't looking to be noticed, she wanted to disappear and dressing like everybody else was one way of doing it.

She was heading for the ice cream shop to start her new job that she had gotten the week before. The only thing that she had to do was take orders, it was simple and easy enough and she got to meet people, another plus. Meg didn't have the required uniform yet, a pink shirt with black pants with the logo sprawled out in the front. The ice cream shop, Sweet and Low, was a rectangular building with black and white checkerboard tile on the floor and pink walls with a horizontal black stripe in the middle. The counter, for the ice shop was one of those places, was in the middle of the room, three tables and chairs were on the right bottom corner next to the door. Behind the counter from the door, a bathroom and a small kitchen could be seen, as well as a back room. The wall that faced the mall was mostly made up of windows, to make shoppers feel more open and not closed off as if they were in a cage.

Just as Meg entered the store, her boss, Steven McNealy, a portly man, 46 came from the back room. He was dressed in the store uniform; the only difference was that on the back of his shirt was the word "manager" in big black bold letters. Steven was many things, but if it was one thing he was not, it was good looking. A large wart, about the size of Meg's fist was up against his left eye, making Steven look like the fat version of Quasimodo. In addition to this, Steven had the worst dental plan in the entire world; for his teeth went every direction expect straight, the worst of these being his two front teeth, one of them went extreme right, the other extreme left. Because of his teeth, Steven spoke with a lisp and a strong spit. His hair, which was a dirty brown, was in a bowl cut and parted in the front, making him also look like a rejected and deformed Beatle.

Steven stared at Meg and screamed at her, "Where the hell have you been?" he began, "You were supposed to be here two hours ago!"

"Sorry sir" Meg said as she made her way behind the counter, "But traffic was backed up for blocks and there was no other way here. I tried calling you, but my phone kept dropping my calls."

"You and your excuses" Steven huffed, "One more slipup like that and you're out of here Griffin, now get to work and stop wasting my time!"

Meg nodded as Steven went back to the back room and wiped her hands off before touching the cashier register.

Ten minutes later the bell at the door went off, Meg was stooped down towards the ground, retrieving some change that had fallen out of the register when she heard the voices of two costumers.

"Let's see" the first said to itself, "What sounds good?"

"How about Rocky Road?" the second one suggested

"Too much chocolate for me" the first one replied, "What about Mint Chocolate Chip? That has a nice balance."

The second voice stopped in thought, Meg stood back up and placed the change in the register without looking at either of them.

"Let's ask her" the second voice exclaimed

"Come on really?" the first voice said annoyingly, "We're picking out ice cream flavors not buying a car. It's simple."

"Really?" the second said sarcastically, "Which one do you want then?"

Silence.

"Exactly" the second one continued, "So it can't hurt to get a professional opinion."

"But on ice cream?" the first declared, "That's just-ridiculous."

Meg, who was busy going over inventory, disregarding the customer service rule in How to Keep Your Job 101, finally looked up at the customers and began the usual greeting that she was required to say to every customer that walked in the door.

"Welcome to Sweet and Low, my name is Meg Griffin how may I help you?"

The two customers were two dogs; both of them had white fur and were collarless. The owner of the first voice, who appeared to be composed and intelligent, had a face that looked as if it had experienced laughter and pain in equal amounts, was shorter than his companion, but only by an inch. His teeth were a little yellow, but only because he hadn't been around a sink in a few days and thus brushing and flossing were temporarily out of the routine, he covered with excessive amounts of Listerine mouthwash, it was mint flavored.

The first dog was wearing a small black backpack on his back, the second was wearing a red one of the same brand, from the looks of things they had been on the road for a long time for the fur on both of them was shaggy and needed to be cut, their faces reminiscent of goats.

"Yes" he began, taking over the situation, for he wanted nothing more than to get this over with, "Which flavor would you recommend?"

Meg shrugged and gave an honest answer, "That depends on what you want. Are you looking for chocolate, candy or something in between?"

"Candy" the second answered, "Something that's not too much, not too little in terms of candy to ice cream ratio and-"

"Come on!" the first screamed, "Are you really going to do this now? You can't keep doing this to me Jasper, you can't! Do you have any idea on how annoying it is to listen to you go on and on about ratios and how everything in your life has to be perfect? It pisses me off!"

Jasper backed away in fear, "I'm sorry Brian" he said rather meekly, "I didn't mean to. It's just that-"

"That'll be $2.50" Meg said as she sat two cups of ice cream next to the counter.

Brian and Jasper stared at her with a confused look, not knowing how to respond to the situation. Brian eventually recovered himself and fished out five dollars from his wallet that he kept in the backpack while Jasper took the ice cream and walked over to one of the tables in the corner of the room.

The dogs sat down and began eating their ice cream while Meg took the order of the next few customers, none of them stayed in the store. Eventually it was just Meg, the dogs at the table and Steven who occasionally appeared from the backroom to check up on things.

"So where are you guys from?" Meg asked, trying to make ideal conversation.

"Don't really know" Brian answered, "We've never really been anywhere, living off the road, going from town to town. The longest we've ever stayed in one place was Harrisburg, Virginia for about three months."

"What happened in Harrisburg?" Meg pressed

"It's complicated" Jasper replied, "We might have accidently set the mayor's house on fire. That and Goat Face over here impregnated a bitch that was supposed to be saved for a pedigree racing dog. Cost the mayor $50,000 that we couldn't pay, so we got run out of town."

"Who you calling a Goat Face?" Brian asked curiously, "You're just as rough looking as me, if not more."

Jasper laughed, thankful that Brian was slowly getting over the episode from earlier. "Needless to say" Jasper concluded, "We've been through a lot. More than any canine should ever go through."

Meg walked out from behind the counter with a rag and began wiping the other tables down. Looking at the clock on the wall Meg breathed a sigh of relief with the realization that her shift was almost over, it was now 2:30 in the afternoon.

"Did you ever think of settling down?" Meg exclaimed, "Find someone to take care of you?"

Brian shook his head, "I'm not exactly on what some would call a 'people person', too many bad experiences, too many risks and too much hassle. Better if I just stay where I am."

Meg looked towards Jasper, who was lost in his own mind staring at the pink wall. Brian turned towards Meg and smiled a bit

"Sorry about that" Brian explained, "He has...problems. Don't really know what it is yet. Every doctor I've taken him to says it's something different. One guy says schizophrenia, another says autism and a third says that it's a mild social disorder. I honestly don't know who to believe anymore."

"Maybe you should take it up with God" Meg suggested

Brian laughed at the suggestion, "Ma'am if there was a God who could help him he would've done it already. No, God...there is no such thing. Why would do we suffer so much if that is the case? The world is a dark and dangerous place, full of many horrible things. I should know. If God is so great and powerful, if he is so righteous then why doesn't he take all the bad things and make them disappear?"

"Because that's not His job" Meg replied, "God isn't a policeman. He's...God."

Jasper began swaying side to side as if a song were in his head. Brian and Meg smiled at this and quickly changed topics. The conversation went from religion to likes and dislikes, places that they would like to visit but knew that they never could and places that they never wanted to visit again. They laughed, told each other stories and when Jasper snapped out his phase he joined in on the conversation and laughed along with them.

Meg looked at the clock and noticed that she had overshot her shift by an hour and she also remembered that she was expected to be home in twenty minutes to help with dinner.

"I got to get home guys" Meg said as she made her way out the door.

Just as she was about to leave she had a thought. Looking back at Brian and Jasper, who were getting their packs on their backs ready to head out, Meg felt almost guilty at the fact that she got to go home to people, to a house with everything that she could ever need and yet Brian and Jasper were stuck on the road with nothing but the literal things on their backs.

"Do you guys want to come to my house for dinner?" Meg asked hopefully

Brian turned towards Jasper, who shrugged, for he was not one to pass up on free food and potential lodging.

Brian smiled and ruffled Jasper's fur playfully, "Come on" he said enthusiastically towards his cousin and then to Meg, "We'll gladly take the offer...What are we having by the way?"

Meg shrugged, for she honestly had no idea, "Don't know" she answered, "We'll just have to wait and see won't we?"

Brian and Jasper nodded, "Welcome to the club" they said in unison.

Meg laughed and held the door open for them to pass through, the three of them then walked out of the mall towards Meg's car.


	2. Frisbee

Chapter One

Frisbee

Brian and Jasper, upon reaching Meg's car, pulled out a sheet of plastic from Jasper's backpack and placed it over the backseat. Meg stared at them confusingly, Brian laughed embarrassed that he had to explain, but explain he did.

"We're not exactly the cleanest dogs right now" Brian began, "We've haven't bathed in weeks. The only reason that you're not throwing up right now is because of heavy doses of Listerine and body spray."

Meg sniffed and realized that he was right, for there was an unusual amount of Listerine and Axe body spray in the air. She shrugged and walked around to the driver's side.

"That's okay" Meg said, "You can both use the shower at home. Now get in."

Brian and Jasper plied in the backseat, their packs at their feet. Meg strapped her seatbelt in, causing Brian and Jasper to do the same, for they only used the seatbelt if the driver was using one. The dogs then ran their paws through their heads, shaking off excess fur from shedding. Meg turned around, for they were making a considerable amount of noise in the process.

"Take it easy guys" Meg pleaded, "I just vacuumed this car yesterday. I don't want to have to do it again."

Brian and Jasper stopped and looked apologetically at Meg, both of them saying nothing and their eyes expressing slight guilt and shame for their lack of manners. Meg rolled her eyes, for it wasn't as big a deal as she made it out to be, it was just the principle of the thing. Meg, to keep the mood alive, started to search for topics that they covered.

"So Brian" Meg began curiously, "What do you do?"

Brian shrugged, he didn't really do anything, technically speaking he wasn't a citizen, he was just another animal who by moral and ethical standards was allowed to live in houses, walk on two legs freely and drive a car. He was unofficially educated at Texas AM, for he was close friends with one of the professors there, other than that he had no formal education. Jasper was in a similar situation, for he also wasn't a citizen and was allowed the same liberties as Brian, the main difference between them are that while Brian had some level of education, Jasper didn't have any. That is not to say that Jasper is stupid, for he is smart when it comes to people and understanding them, something that Brian is, in these terms, brain dead in.

Jasper rolled his eyes in disbelief towards Brian; he turned towards Meg and gave an answer. "He's a writer. Working on his autobiography, I'm helping him fill in the details."

Meg nodded in understanding and asked the same question to Jasper, who lit up upon hearing it, "Oh all sorts of things" Jasper said excitedly, "I'm a musician, a fashion designer, a skydiving instructor, a painter, I could go on."

Brian sighed annoyingly, for Jasper obviously misinterpreted Meg's question, "Those are things that you've done dunderhead" Brian replied, "She's talking about an actual job, one where you get money for doing it."

Jasper nodded, for now he understood, "I see" he said rebuking his statement, "Well in that case nothing. I take care of Brian and he takes care of me. That's what we do, that's all we've ever done really, be there for each other."

Meg turned on Spooner Street; the Griffin house came into view.

"There is it gentlemen" Meg said proudly, "Home sweet home."

Brian and Jasper's tails wagged in anticipation of full bellies, showers, shaves and a bed. For too long all they had in terms of sleeping arrangement was a single sleeping bag that they shared between them, alternating between nights while the other got the ground and a ragged blanket. They were true strays, if you had to give them a label.

Pulling into the driveway, Meg noticed that Peter, his father was in a tree with a rake trying to get a Frisbee that had ended up on the roof. Upon seeing his daughter Peter smiled and gave a short wave, Meg waved back and looked up at him curiously.

"What are you doing?" she asked

"Getting Stewie's Frisbee" Peter answered, "Some of the neighborhood bullies threw it up here."

The dogs sniffed the air, their noses leading them across the street to Cleveland Brown's house; from there they headed about five houses down.

"Anyway" Peter continued as he once again tried for the Frisbee, "What's up with you?"

"I brought some guests for dinner" Meg began, "They just got into town, I think from Harrisburg."

Peter laughed, "And where are these guests of yours Meg?"

Meg looked around and saw that she was alone; she stood there confused for several seconds. Eventually she came to the conclusion that she must have imagined the whole thing, for talking dogs that walked on two legs and actually had interesting things to say just couldn't be possible.

Brian and Jasper walked up to the door of the house that they stopped in front of. Brian turned to Jasper

"Are you sure this is the place? My nose isn't as good as yours. Check again."

Jasper took a deep whiff of the air and nodded, "Yup this is the place Brian. So what's the plan?"

Brian smiled and pulled out a rope and a burlap sack from his backpack, Jasper smiled back and rang the doorbell. The door opened, Brian hid the rope and sack behind his back and let Jasper do the talking.

Standing in the doorway was a teenage boy, about 17. He was your typical jock type character- red letterman jacket, blue jeans, army buzz cut and a large zit on his chin that looked like Mount Vesuvius. In addition to his appearance, his breath smelled of garlic and he spat exactly like Steven McNealy- strong and with long range.

Jasper put on his salesman persona, a friendly smile, a slight lean forward, head cocked to one side favoring the left ear, letting the right flop in the wind and a nice slow voice that could be easily understood.

"Whatever you're selling, I'm not buying" the seventeen-year old said bluntly

"Hi" Jasper replied, ignoring him completely, "Are you the one who chucked a Frisbee on the roof on that house over there?"

"Yeah" he answered, "Why, you here to force me to get it?"

Brian laughed sarcastically, "Oh he's good" he exclaimed, more to Jasper than to the kid but the kid still heard it anyway.

"Well you can stop wasting your time" the kid continued, "Cause I ain't getting nothing from no roof."

Jasper and Brian nodded, "We were hoping you'd say that" they answered in unison.

Before the kid had a chance to respond, Jasper punched him in the face and in the groin, this gave Brian an opportunity to tie him up and put the bag over his head.

"Bag him and drag him Jasper" Brian exclaimed, "Let's teach this asshole a lesson not to mess with little kids."

"You're making him sound like a pedophile Brian" Jasper answered with concern, "He's just a jerk to kids and Frisbees, not kidnapping kids and playing with their willies."

Brian sighed deeply, "Jasper if you're going to say it, at least say it right. It's not willy, its penis. So say right or not at all."

Jasper picked up the kid's head while Brian grabbed his feet, the dogs then ran down the street as fast as they were able, just as Steven McNealy came to the door looking after them in confusion and completely disbelief.

Peter meanwhile was still trying to get the Frisbee off of the roof; Meg, Lois, Stewie and Chris were looking on wondering if he was going to succeed.

"You're never going to get it down" Lois said, "We can just buy Stewie a new one."

"I never really liked Frisbee anyway" Stewie declared mostly to himself but also to his mother

Peter huffed and shook his head, refusing to give up, "No Lois. I will get this Frisbee if it's the last thing I do. Besides it's the principle of the thing."

Brian and Jasper came up, their captive screaming to be set free.

"Will you shut up?" Brian said annoyingly

"Yeah" Jasper continued, "No one likes a chatterbox. Especially me, and I should know cause I can go on for hours. Why one time I talked for about-"

"Jasper" Brian yelled, "You're doing it again."

Jasper shook his head, getting his thoughts in order.

Meg and the others, including Peter, stared at the dogs as if they were mentally insane. Brian stood the kid up and took off the sack.

Brian turned towards Peter and gestured towards the captive.

"Is this him?" he asked

Peter nodded, "Well what do you know? Sunday McNealy, the shittiest guy on the face of the Earth? So what you get your kicks from bullying little kids?"

Sunday shook his head nervously, "No sir" he replied as tears welled up in his eyes. Jasper punched him in the gut at this.

"Stop lying you shitbag" Jasper growled, "Tell him what you told us before I break your legs!"

Brian pulled out a crowbar from his pack in preparation; Jasper held on to Sunday with one paw and with the other pulled out a baseball bat.

"This can go one of two ways" Brian began as he casually twirled the crowbar around in a circle, "You can climb up in the tree and get the Frisbee or my associate and I throw you up there. So what's it going to be Sunday?"

Meg was staring at Sunday's body as if he were a TV; her eyes were glued to him and almost bulging out of her head. Stewie noticed this and couldn't help but scoff

"Are you serious?" Stewie asked sarcastically, "You like this douche? The guy who threw my Frisbee up on the roof is your new crush? Great, this is just prefect Stew, now you have another thing to worry about."

Meg didn't hear him, for she was lost in her own world, much like Jasper was all too often, only she was actually conscious of her surroundings and it was completely voluntary, unlike Jasper who was the opposite of this in every possible way.

Brian and Jasper began beating Sunday's legs, as soon as Sunday hit the ground Brian brought him back to his feet and pushed him towards the tree. Peter was on the ground at this point watching the scene and yet doing nothing, getting satisfaction from seeing that justice was being done.

"Now get the Frisbee asshole" Brian and Jasper yelled, "And make it quick!"

Sunday began climbing the tree. Chris and Lois looked towards the dogs.

"And you are?" Chris said slowly, slightly terrified at the sight of Sunday getting beaten for throwing a Frisbee on a roof.

Jasper answered for him, "I'm Jasper, that's Brian. We're drifters...you sister Meg was gracious enough to invite us for dinner. We are not men in dog suits, we are real 100% dog, we have no interest in banging her and even if we did we would be panting, howling and doing everything possible to get in her pants right now expect what we're doing right now. I have a social disorder, Brian has an inferiority complex. We have no home, we've been living on the road for years and neither of us have stable sources of income."

There was a long silence.

"Does that cover everything?"

Sunday reached the roof and picked up the Frisbee. Brian tapped Jasper on the shoulder and cupped his paws as if he were about to do throw him.

"Alright" Jasper said to Sunday as he put his hind legs in Brian's paws, "When I say so you're going to throw the Frisbee."

Sunday nodded in understanding. Jasper looked down at Brian who gave a wink and a smile in response. Jasper gave the signal for Sunday to throw the Frisbee, Brian, at the same time, threw Jasper in the air. Jasper caught the Frisbee in his mouth and threw it to Brian, who jumped up in the air doing a front flip as he landed. Brian then threw it back to Jasper, who threw it to Peter as he landed on his feet spreading his arms out to their full extent as if he just did the horse at the Olympics.

"Thank you, thank you" Jasper said putting on the extra ham, "No need for applause, gratitude is all I ask."

"I'm sorry" Lois said extremely confused, "But who the hell are you? Really?"

Brian and Jasper laughed, Meg rolled her eyes playfully and walked inside.

Stewie grabbed the Frisbee from Peter and threw it towards Jasper, who caught it in his mouth and wagged his tail in the process. Brian laughed, ruffled Jasper's fur on his head and walked inside with Jasper following close behind. Sunday was still on the roof.


	3. Portuguese Chickens and German Dogs

Chapter Two

Portuguese Chickens and German Dogs

Brian and Jasper headed up to the bathroom to clean themselves up. As Brian was shaving, Jasper was in the shower and vice versa. Stewie meanwhile was playing with Rupert. Chris and Peter were watching Tom Tucker, again and Meg and Lois were in the kitchen preparing dinner.

Dinner that night was meatloaf, mashed potatoes, green beans and corn. Lois already had the meatloaf in the oven Meg was busy stirring the mashed potatoes in a shiny bowl.

"So what's the deal with these guys?" Lois asked curiously, "Are they friends of yours?"

Meg nodded, "Something like that" she answered, "They came into the shop this morning, stayed awhile. We talked, got to know a few things about each other."

Lois rolled her eyes, "One conversation does not make a friendship Meg. For all you know they could be serial killers."

Meg laughed at the impossibility, "They're dogs Mom. They're not going to hurt anything, besides its just dinner what harm could come of it?"

Lois laughed; it was louder than Meg's, "What harm? Are you serious Meg? With this family I'd be surprised if something didn't go wrong. It's almost a requirement here."

Meg nodded, for she knew just as much as Lois that the family was dysfunctional and that Peter was the cause of it 98% of the time.

"Maybe they'll be good for us" Meg suggested, "It'd be a nice balance from Dad, get some sanity around here."

Lois huffed, "They're strays Meg, they don't settle down."

A knock at the door, Lois and Meg ignored it and went back to cooking. It happened again. Lois turned towards Peter

"Peter!" she yelled, "Get the door!"

Peter groaned and stood up from the couch, walking towards the door.

Standing at the door was Ernie the Giant Chicken; he was holding a new coupon book, a tie and fifty dollar bill in his wings. Peter, upon seeing him punched him in the face without question and began beating him without so much as giving Ernie time to speak.

"Basta por favor!" Ernie screamed, "Vim aqui para pedir desculpas."

Peter stopped and stared at the chicken confusingly, "Are you speaking Spanish?"

Ernie shrugged; it was close enough, "Língua Portuguesa"

Peter didn't understand and so simply hit him again; Ernie pecked Peter on the head as hard as he could to get him to stop. He wouldn't do anymore, for he wasn't looking for a fight.

"What do you want?" Peter asked annoyingly

Ernie handed him the coupon book, the tie and the fifty

"Por favor perdoe-me" Ernie said as he lowered his head apologetically," Foi tudo um mal-entendido."

Peter had absolutely no idea as to what Ernie was saying. Stewie was standing at the door.

"He asking you to forgive him Fat-Man" Stewie replied, "He said it was a misunderstanding, he never meant to give you a bad coupon. The fifty is the leftover change from a hundred dollar tie that he thought you would like. The coupons are good for a year."

Peter looked through the coupon book and saw that they were good for a year. Peter turned towards his son, "How did you know?" he asked

Stewie huffed, "Mom has a ton of those things lying around, but they're all used up and old. Just like her vagina."

Peter didn't care that Stewie made a reference to Lois' vagina, what interested him more was that Lois had random coupon books lying around the house. Ernie smiled at Stewie and gave happy squawk, thankful that the issue was resolved.

"Gracas Stewie" Ernie exclaimed, "Amigos para a vida no?"

"Si" Stewie answered, "Amigos para a vida, Buenos noite Senor, Que Deus vele sobre vós e os vossos filhos."

Ernie bowed again and smiled, "The same to you Stewie. Give the family my love."

Peter huffed, as Ernie walked away, "Stupid Portuguese chicken."

"I like him" Stewie said, "He's funny."

Just another thing for Peter to hate about Ernie, for he was supposed to be the funny one in Stewie's life, the one who made the difference in Stewie's life, now it looked as if that chance was slipping away. Ernie was not to blame for this for Peter was in all respects, a terrible father, but at the very least it was explained because of several medical diagnosis's that claimed that Peter was mentally retarded.

Meanwhile in the bathroom, Brian and Jasper were busy cleaning themselves.

Brian was checking himself in the mirror, he wanted to look presentable, just because he came from the streets does not mean that had to look like he had come from the streets. Jasper was humming a tune to himself; Brian rolled his eyes, for he figured that if Jasper was going to hum he might as well sing.

Brian began drumming the beat on the vanity while Jasper, who was in the shower, increasing his humming to allow Brian to take the lead, he never did for Brian always sang; Jasper waited a few seconds and then took up the song.

_I was a little too tall_

_ Could've used a few pounds_

_ Tight pants points hardly renown_

_ She was a black haired beauty with big dark eyes_

_ And points all her own sitting way up high_

Brian took out a comb and began brushing his fur; Jasper came out of the shower and dried himself off. When this was done, he stepped towards the sink, Brian moving towards the tub to give him room. Brian took the next verse.

_Out past the cornfields where the woods got heavy_

_ Out in the back seat of my '60 Chevy_

_ Workin' on mysteries without any clues_

Jasper took the razor and shaved his goat beard, he then slapped on some aftershave, all the while continuing the beat using the comb as a makeshift drum stick. Both of them took the verse, harmonizing due to the acoustic and natural ability.

_ Workin on our night moves_

_ Tryin to make some front page drive-in news_

_ Workin on our night moves_

_ In the summertime_

_ In the sweet summertime_

Brian got on top of the toilet for no reason whatsoever, both of them completely forgetting that they were guests in a house and that this would most likely ruin their chances of staying the night. At the moment, all that mattered was the song and getting themselves looking presentable. Jasper pulled out a toothbrush from his pack that laid at the door and what little toothpaste he had and began brushing his teeth letting Brian take the song, Jasper compensated by thumping his tail left and right against the door.

_We weren't in love, oh no, far from it_

_ We weren't searchin' for some pie in the sky summit_

_ We were just young and restless and bored_

_ Livin' by the sword_

Jasper spat and cleaned his toothbrush; he then took Brian's place as they switched places, Jasper leaning on the tub and continued with the song the best that he could for his voice was starting to waver.

_And we'd steal away every chance we could_

_ To the backroom, to the alley or the trusty woods_

_ I used her, she used me but neither one cared_

_ We were gettin our share._

Brian was done brushing his teeth and joined Jasper in the chorus.

_ Workin on the night moves_

_ Tryin to lose those awkward teenage blues_

_ Workin on the night moves_

_ And it was summertime_

_ Sweet, summertime, summertime._

Brian gave himself one last look over and opened the bathroom door to the hallway, Jasper followed him. They made their way down the stairs all the while they continued singing as if they were the only ones in the house.

_And oh, the wonder_

_ Felt the lightning_

_ And we waited on the thunder_

_ Waited on the thunder_

This was as far as they got for at that moment Lois had called them to the table, cutting the song a minute and thirty seconds short. Brian and Jasper were a little bit annoyed that they were cut when the song was basically over, but they digressed and made their way over to the kitchen.

Walking in the kitchen, Brian and Jasper noticed that there were two extra seats set out for them, they remained unfazed on the outside, but on the inside they were crying for they never got to sit at the table in a formal kitchen area before. They were so taken by the gesture that they refused to accept it, both of them taking spots on the floor, Brian next to Peter and Jasper next to Lois.

"You've got to be kidding me" Peter said in disbelief, "Get off the damn floor and sit in those chairs!"

Brian and Jasper shook their heads saying nothing

Stewie looked down at Brian and cautiously gave him some of his food, Brian took it without question. Stewie waited for a Thank You, but Brian would not give one, keeping his gaze at the floor and letting his nose know when food was coming his way. Jasper similarly, had food given to him discreetly by Meg; he moved his head to take it and otherwise kept his eyes locked on the tile square in front of him. Neither of them said a single word, the music that was inside of them had silenced as well.

Peter and Lois, who noticed the underhand food deliveries of Stewie and Meg but said nothing, were now getting extremely uncomfortable with the situation. Peter gave a quick nod to Lois who nodded back.

"You know that you could sit at the table" Lois said to the both of them, "It's not like it's a crime."

Brian and Jasper said nothing, refusing to answer; they did however look in Lois' general direction.

Stewie rolled his eyes and sighed, for there was only one way that he knew of that would get Brian and Jasper to comply.

"Sitzen in den Sesseln bitte!"

Brian and Jasper raised their heads towards Stewie and cocked their ears slightly as if they were confused. Brian turned to Jasper and spoke in the way that Stewie had spoken to them, in German.

"Was hat er gesagt?"

Jasper shrugged and gave his best answer, "Er sagte uns, dass wir uns setzen Sie sich auf den Stühlen"

Peter was confused as to what they were saying; they all were save Stewie, who gave a rough translation.

"They're talking it over" Stewie explained, "I asked them to sit in the chairs."

Meg and Chris nodded in partial understanding, trying to draw from what little German they learned in their basic German class. They could think of nothing.

"Sollten wir es tun?" Brian asked worried about the consequences on what the act would bring

Jasper nodded, "Wenn Sie sich sagen, dass wir uns es muss in Ordnung sein."

Brian nodded, but he still had a worried look on his face, for in his mind a dog to sit at the kitchen table meant that the dog considered itself human, which was a major taboo in the dog community. Jasper felt the same but kept his emotions in his stomach and not on his face, Jasper had the look of someone who was about to vomit and he almost did, had it not been for Stewie, now commanding them to sit in the chairs, he most certainly would have.

"What are they saying now?" Peter said, annoyed that he was hearing the conversation but couldn't understand a single word of it.

"They're still talking it over" Stewie explained again, "This one" Stewie pointed towards Brian, "Is wondering if they should do it. And that one" Stewie pointed towards Jasper, "Is saying that if we gave them permission then it must be okay."

Peter nodded in understanding, "Tell them that it's fine Stewie. We're not going to hurt them and nobody's going to say anything."

Stewie repeated this in German to the dogs; Brian shook his head in denial

"Nein, nein!" Brian exclaimed, "Du kannst nicht verstehen!"

Peter, who had enough of German for one day, dragged Brian out from underneath the table, picked him up and set him on the edge of the living room carpet just before the kitchen tile begins. Brian nodded and breathed a sigh of relief. He counted exactly five seconds in his head before speaking.

"It's an ethical thing. Extremely taboo for dogs to sit at the kitchen table. It's like...it's like...it's unexplainable."

Jasper moved out from underneath the kitchen table and moved next to Brian. He breathed, waited five seconds and gave his explanation.

"For a dog to sit at the kitchen table is to say that it is human. Humanity is something that we aren't gifted with. Sure we may seem human, for we walk on two legs and can speak, but those learned things, not all dogs do it. Hours upon hours of training, it takes us almost triple the time to learn how to walk bipedal than a human. Speech is even more difficult, especially English."

"But I saw you guys sitting at the table at the ice cream parlor" Meg retorted, "What's the difference?"

Brian and Jasper smiled and nodded in unison.

"It's a principle" Brian answered, "The kitchen is a place for family, very formal, very traditional. In every household with a dog, if the dog is even allowed in the kitchen it is always on the floor. Anywhere else is okay, because there it's at least semi acceptable, but the kitchen is off limits."

Silence

Brian and Jasper hung their heads and turned towards the door. Meg stood up and stopped them.

"Wait" she said, "Don't go. Not yet."

They turned around to face her; Meg was holding a plate of cookies that Lois had baked earlier that day.

"Have a cookie" Meg continued, a slow smile creeping on her face, one of hope and sincerity.

Brian shrugged and took a cookie, it was chocolate chip, something that he was impartial to, but he ate it anyway, if nothing else to be nice. Jasper declined for he was watching his figure. Meg nodded and set the plate of cookie on the floor, she then brought Brian and Jasper in for a hug which they took. Meg squeezed a bit, trying to signal to them that they didn't have to leave.

"You know you could stay" Meg replied softly, "It'd be good to have a dog around the house."

Meg said this mainly to Brian, who immediately declined.

"I don't go anywhere without him" Brian answered sternly gesturing to Jasper, who was beginning to zone out, "He's all I have Meg. If he goes, I go, it's as simple as that."

Meg smiled, "Maybe the best place for him is here" she replied, "Maybe you both need us just as much as we need you."

Brian shook his head in disbelief, for he had heard this too many times to count for this was not the first time that they had been offered a permanent residence. Every single time there was always one factor that sent them out, but here it was different, here it was their own principles that would send them walking not the Griffins themselves. Brian tried to forget them, but no matter how hard he tried nothing would make him move from his stance. Brian smiled, hugged Meg a second time and took Jasper's paw and led him out the door, not even bothering to get their packs from upstairs, simply deciding to leave them with the Griffins as a parting gift.

"They'll be back" Stewie said reassuringly from his chair, "It's only a matter of time."

Meg hoped that he was right.


	4. Vinny

Chapter Three

Vinny

Waking up in the alley next to the Drunken Clam, Brian looked around to find that he was covered in trash, specifically a newspaper from three weeks ago, a broken condom, a used banana peel and a discarded McDonald's milkshake. Shaking himself off, Brian stood up and stretched his limbs as if he were a cat. Nonchalantly Brian made his way out of the alleyway and cautiously looked out onto the sidewalk.

"Alright Jasper" Brian said looking behind him, "It's clear, let's get out of here while the getting's good."

Brian got no reply, turning around, he faced an empty alleyway.

"Jasper" Brian called, "Where'd you go?"

Nothing, the only sound that could be heard was the faint ruffling of a garbage can on the other side of the alleyway, the result of a rat who was contently searching for food.

"Hey asshole" a voice called from nowhere, "What do you think you're doing, waking me up in the middle of the night?"

Brian looked up at the sky; it was obviously daylight, for he could see the sun overhead, the birds were chirping in a nearby tree as if they had to do that every day to signify that it was morning to the blind that were not in direct sunlight.

"Its morning genius" Brian replied, looking in the direction that he perceived the voice to be coming from. "The sun is out, the birds are chirping..."

Brian sniffed the air in front of him, he could smell alcohol, it was strong, strong enough to tell him that whoever the voice belonged to was drunk, which gave at least a partial explanation for the statement.

"Yeah?" the voice continued, "What day is it?"

Brian shrugged and gave his best guess, for in all honesty he had no idea on what day it was and he didn't really care.

"I think it's Wednesday" Brian answered, "But it could also be Friday. Take your pick."

The voice laughed in response, it was hardy, as if it were amused.

"Friday it is then...Say what's your name anyway?"

Brian did not answer the question, rationalizing that it was a completely insane idea to give a name to an ominous voice.

"Come out to where I can see you" Brian demanded, "Then I'll decide to give my name."

The voice only continued to laugh, "Fair enough" it replied, "I'll comply oh Grand Master."

A small rock landed in the alley, looking up Brian could see a rusted fire escape; in this fire escape was a dog. Its fur was tan; the correct word would be champagne. Collarless, like Brian, the dog had a strange mark that went around his neck; Brian assumed it was a ligature mark, for that would be the only logical explanation. The dog's eyes were a light blue, almost grey, stormy in nature but not violent. The dog's left ear was partially cut off, most likely due to a fight; on his stomach was a distant scar that ran the length of his body, also from a fight.

Stepping down from the fire escape, the dog shook itself off and introduced itself; its demeanor was casual and yet carried with it a sense of respect, as it knew where it belonged in the world.

"Now" the dog began, showing that it had an Italian accent, "I believe introductions are in order."

Brian for some reason heard the faint sound of a trombone; he decided to roll with it, playing it off as his imagination.

"The name's Vinny" the dog continued, "Mind explaining to me what you were doing in my alley?"

"Your alley?" Brian asked, completely perplexed as why a dog would own an alleyway.

"I've lived in this alleyway for the past seven years" Vinny explained, "By social standards it's mine. City approved and everything-"

Vinny pointed to a sign on the side of the Drunken Clam, it read Vinny's Alley.

"See."

Brian shook his head, "Whatever" he replied, "Listen Vinny have you seen a dog around? Looks like me but frailer, not a lot of self esteem, has a inferiority complex, is scared of his own shadow with an unknown mental disorder?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about" Vinny answered, "And good job with the formalities No Name, real classy."

Brian rolled his eyes; he was starting to get increasing annoyed with Vinny, mostly because he had something to say on every issue that came up.

"Brian" Brian said introducing himself, "Now, help me sniff him out."

Vinny jumped in surprise, for the request was both unusual and uncomfortable at the same time.

"Sniff him out?" Vinny asked looking for clarification "With what, furthermore who?"

Brian shook his head in disbelief; obviously it was uphill from here. It was everything that Brian had not to simply head for the city limits, still he found himself heading for the nearest park with nothing but a hunch and a gut feeling. Vinny, for some reason, decided to follow him.

"Where do we start Grand Master?" Vinny began as he caught up to Brian, who rolled his eyes in response.

"Any particular reason why you're following me?" Brian asked annoyingly, completely ignoring the question as if it was never asked.

Vinny huffed, "Hey you're the one who asked for help" he defended, "Consider yourself lucky that I'm giving it asshole. I could just as easily leave you by yourself and get back to what I was doing-"

"So sleeping?" Brian replied, cutting Vinny off, "Do you anything else besides that?"

Vinny laughed as if he were insulted by the remark. "Here's all you need to know about me" Vinny answered, "I like money, music, drinking, sex and women, in reverse order. I hate annoying people, ridiculous personal questions, friendships, stupidity, the government and-"

"You could've just said "I hate everything that breathes" and it would've been a lot shorter" Brian replied.

Vinny laughed again, for he couldn't agree more. "I like you Brian" Vinny said honestly, "I think this is going to be the start of beautiful partnership."

Brian severely doubted the possibility.

The park wasn't very busy during this time of day, most of the people who came here on a regular basis wouldn't arrive for another thirty minutes or so, giving Brian and Vinny plenty of time to find Jasper and the cousins enough time to skip town without anyone noticing. Vinny carefully sniffed the air trying to catch Jasper's scent.

"Hey Brian" Vinny said, "Does this friend of yours smell like Listerine mouthwash, Axe body spray and sweat?"

Brian nodded, "Yeah why?"

Vinny shrugged and gave a straight answer, "No particular reason" he began, "Just that it's coming from up this tree."

Vinny pointed towards a large oak tree in the middle of the park. Brian followed Vinny's paw up to find Jasper on a high branch barking his head off.

"Get back here you stupid squirrel" Jasper demanded, "Come down a few branches so I can bite your head off!"

Brian ran up to the base of the tree as fast as he could, "Jasper" Brian yelled, "What the hell do you think you're doing? Get down here!"

Jasper shook his head rapidly, trying to get himself back in order. Casually Jasper turned towards Brian and smiled as if he had just woken up from a hard sleep.

"Hey Brian" Jasper exclaimed happily, "What are you doing down there?"

Brian rolled his eyes, it was obvious that Jasper had no idea that he was several up a tree. Still despite this, Brian couldn't help but laugh at Jasper's predicament.

"Jasper" Brian continued, "Do me a favor buddy...look down."

Jasper did as he was told and looked down; he remained unfazed as if being up trees was a normal thing for him to do. After a few seconds Jasper gave a second look, this time he gave the appropriate reaction and screamed as loudly as he possibly could.

"Brian!" Jasper yelled, "How did I get up here?"

Vinny laughed in disbelief, _"Is he serious?"_ he thought to himself, _"If so this is the saddest thing I've ever seen."_

Vinny casually leaned against the base of the tree and looked up at Jasper with a friendly smile, completely with his yellow teeth showing, disgusting but sincere.

"How's it going?" Vinny asked rhetorically, "The name's Vinny, any particular reason why you're in my tree?"

Jasper shook his head no; his was beginning to shake violently out of nervousness. Brian only scoffed, for Vinny was obviously pulling the same trick that he used on him five minutes ago.

"You're telling me this is your tree too?" Brian began coldly, "What, do the people just give you stuff just to shut up you up or is there an actual reason behind it?"

Vinny laughed, for the answer was simpler than Brian was making it out to be. "This is my neighbor Brian" he explained, "Therefore everything here is mine. Just like it is to everyone else who lives around here."

Brian huffed, not believing that it could be that simple or that Vinny could be so protective over something as stupid as a tree.

"You are perhaps the dumbest dog I've ever met" Brian declared, "And that's saying something believe me I've met a lot of stupid ones and you sir, take the cake."

Vinny looked around for anything resembling a cake, taking Brian's statement literally for the sole purpose of annoying him further. When he found no such thing Vinny turned his attention back to Jasper.

"Just jump down" Vinny suggested, "I'll catch yah."

Jasper shook his head again; his eyes nervously reached Brian, begging him for help.

"Get me down from here!" Jasper exclaimed, "I don't want to die!"

Vinny sighed in pity, "You're not going to die" he reassured, "Now do me a favor. Stop being such a little bitch and jump already!"

Brian growled defensively at this, "Hey, no one calls him a bitch."

Vinny rolled his eyes annoyingly and turned back to Brian, he had had enough of pleasantries.

"I'm only saying what I know to be true" Vinny replied, "He's acting like a bitch, so I called him one. What's the big deal anyway? You guys together or something?"

Brian unsheathed his claws as a response, "I'll have you know that he's family to me. Now I'm going to give you three seconds to apologize before I make you wish you never crawled out of that hole that you call a home."

"Well well" Vinny declared, "Look at the balls on this guy. You're certainly no one's bitch ain't yah Brian? Want to back those words with teeth or words? Either way you're going to end up face down in a ditch."

Before any of them could make a move Jasper landed hard on Vinny's back, causing both of them to fall to the ground in extreme pain. Jasper, surprisingly, stood up first and kicked Vinny as hard as he could in the teeth.

"Who's the bitch in this relationship again?" Jasper asked as he leaned in, spitting in Vinny's face, "Is it you? I think so."

Brian relaxed and laughed, for Jasper's performance couldn't have been better. As Jasper took what little possessions Vinny had on his person, Brian pulled out a camera and snapped a picture of Vinny's unconscious body.

"That's makes Number 217" Brian declared, "Now that we're done, can we get out of here?"

Jasper nodded and shook himself off, "Sure thing Brian...and good job, really convincing."

Brian waved him off, "I still can't believe you thought he would fall for it. I mean after all look at him, he's a street thug."

Jasper huffed, "Thugs are no match for brains Brian. You know that. Now come on, let's revel in our victory!"

Brian laughed as Jasper tossed him Vinny's wallet as they made their way to the Clam, ordered two rounds of Pawtucket before hopping the nearest bus out of town.


End file.
